‘LOVE HURTS’ RATED R

The first installment of the “Die Hard” franchise is thought in many circles to be a Christmas movie. If that’s a defensible position, then “Love Hurts” is by all measures a Valentine’s Day cinematic excursion.

If Feb. 14 is a day to celebrate love and affection, “Love Hurts” is a curious choice. However, it apparently qualifies to be holiday-themed because the action takes place on the day where gifts are typically flowers and boxes of chocolate.

Still, a movie could be even less connected to the spirit of Valentine’s Day, which was the case with 1982’s horror film “Hospital Massacre” (aka “Be My Valentine, or Else,”) and several slasher films that included 1981’s “My Bloody Valentine” and the 2009 remake “My Bloody Valentine 3D.”

The central character of the seemingly mild-mannered Milwaukee realtor Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan “Everything Everywhere All at Once” Oscar winner) bakes his own pink heart-shaped cookies to share with his office staff on Valentine’s Day.

A cheerful salesman incredulously excited to pitch bland tract homes to prospective buyers, Marvin finds that his dark past as a hitman working for his crime lord older brother Alvin “Knuckles” Gable (Daniel Wu) has come back to haunt him.

Aside from his ruthless exterior, Knuckles’s twisted devotion to family leads to an inability to let go of Marvin that, coupled with an obsessive need for control, creates a volatile relationship at the heart of the story.

Subsequently, Marvin gets swept into a vortex of family dysfunction when he gets a cryptic greeting card from former criminal partner Rose (Ariana DeBose) which simply reads “Hiding isn’t living.”

Having unrequited feelings, so it seems, for Rose creates a problem for Marvin because he’d been instructed by his brother to kill her. Now that she’s very much alive, a Knuckles goon called The Raven (Mustafa Shakir) shows up at Marvin’s office and not to enjoy a holiday cookie.

Mayhem ensues with martial arts moves that rely on more than just high kicks and brutal punches. Kitchen wares and furniture figure into the ballet of violence, as Marvin must fend off thugs of all stripes.

Aside from the poetry-spouting Raven, who ends up being enamored by Marvin’s frazzled assistant Ashley (Tio Tipton), bantering hoodlums Otis (Andre Eriksen) and King (Marshawn “Beastmode” Lynch), prove to be more dangerous and lethal henchmen hunting down Marvin.

While romantic chemistry between Marvin and Rose is virtually non-existent, the mismatched pair of Otis and King have a magical partnership, driven by King’s street-smart wisdom contrasting with Otis’s philosophical ramblings that delivers the most memorable comedic moments.

When heavily-armed gangsters show up at an open house showing to a young couple, the gunfire and destruction of the property is bonkers, and yet Marvin tries his best to put a nice spin on everything for his clients.

Besides the surfeit of nicely choreographed fight scenes that are exciting for action fans, “Love Hurts” tie to a Valentine’s theme goes not much further than Raven reading poetry to Ashley, while romance eludes the lovelorn Marvin.



‘YOU’RE CORDIALLY INVITED’ ON AMAZON PRIME VIDEO

With stars Reese Witherspoon and Will Ferrell, respectively as the sister and the father of rival brides tossed into conflict over a wedding venue, Amazon Prime’s “You’re Cordially Invited” is supposedly a romance story and comedy, but it appears ultimately to be neither.

Ferrell’s Jim, a widower and borderline helicopter dad, wants only the best wedding for his daughter Jenni (Geraldine Viswanathan) when she announces an engagement to Oliver (Stony Blyden), who doesn’t look like viable marriage material.

Nevertheless, for Jim nothing is too good for his only child, and so he books a reservation for the nuptials to take place at the historic Palmetto House on a small Georgia island resort where he married his late wife.

Meanwhile, Witherspoon’s neurotic Margot, a Los Angeles television producer, has distanced herself from her disapproving Georgia family, except for her younger sister Neve (Meredith Hagner), for whom she is the wedding planner.

The film shows promise at the start when Margot shows up at the resort to discover the double booking of a venue that can only accommodate one party. This sets the stage for a showdown between Margot and Jim that falters not long after the first verbal punches are thrown.

Strange and even creepy moments unfold at the resort, from Jim ending up in a hotel room wrestling with an alligator to father and daughter singing an inappropriate song that borders uncomfortably on being incestuous.

All things considered, even if you are a fan of Reese Witherspoon and/or Will Ferrell, “You’re Cordially Invited” is a wedding invitation to which the best response would be to politely refuse due to another commitment, like finding a better romantic comedy.

Speaking of comedy, the best humor comes from supporting cast member Leanne Morgan’s Gwyneth, the sex-crazed alcoholic wife of one of Margot’s siblings whose ribald one-liners deliver some laughs. With few good moments, the film flounders from its formulaic construct.

Tim Riley writes film and television reviews for Lake County News.