Opinion
The death of someone you love to suicide or murder is a shattering experience. As a result, lives are forever changed.
If you or someone you know has experienced the sudden violent death of someone they love and you want to help but aren’t sure how, here are some tips to turn cares and concerns into positive actions.
– Accept the intensity of the feelings of grief. Survivors don’t just get over it. With support and understanding they can come to reconcile themselves to its reality. Survivors may be struggling with explosive emotions such as guilt, fear and shame. Be patient, compassionate and understanding.
– Listen with all of your heart. Your presence and desire to listen without judgment are critical helping tools. Willingness to listen is the best way to offer help to someone who needs to talk. Sometimes the story needs to be repeated again and again. This is part of the healing process. You don’t need to have the answer; just listen and understand.
– Avoid explanations and clichés. Words, particularly clichés, can be extremely painful for a suicide survivor. Comments like,” You are holding up so well,” or “Time will heal all wounds,” are not helpful.
– Be compassionate. Give permission to express feelings without fear or criticism. Don’t instruct or give explanations about how they should respond. Never say,” I know just how you feel.” You don’t. Recognize tears as a natural and appropriate expression of the pain associated with loss.
– Respect faith and spirituality. If faith is a part of their lives, let them express it in ways that seem appropriate. If they are mad at God, encourage them to talk about it. Remember, having anger toward God speaks of having a relationship with God. Don’t be a judge, be a loving friend. Your task is to listen and learn.
Remember to be patient. The process of grief takes a long time, so proceed at your and your friend’s own pace. Grief is the result of having loved.
For more information about Hospice Services of Lake County, call 707-263-6222 or visit www.lakecountyhospice.org .
Linda Laing is bereavement director for Hospice Services of Lake County, Calif.
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- Written by: Linda Laing
Sun, my sail and moon, my rudder,
As I ply the starry sea,
Leaning over the edge in wonder,
Casting questions into the deep.
Drifting here with my ship's companions,
All we kindred pilgrim souls,
Making our way by the lights of the heavens,
In our beautiful blue boat home.
– Peter Mayer, Blue Boat home
For many years now, I have shared a dream.
The dream is one of an entire people collectively working to renew and restore our local vitality – the land, the waters, our communities and our economy.
As a local leader in this time and place, I am mindful that many decision-makers struggle when faced with a choice between helping the economy and allowing no environmental impact at all.
This has been at issue for generations. In fact, the quality of our lives here today is directly related to the decisions made by those who came before us.
The sad truth is that we have inherited decades of actions that have degraded our watershed and land base.
Loosely translated, “environmental impact” means that habitat is degraded or destroyed and the watershed is negatively affected by a decision, even a little bit.
To make it even tougher, these decisions aren’t really noticed until one adds up all the hundreds of small decisions from the vantage point of history – taking the view of the generations to come.
Further, these decisions are not made any easier by our system of jurisprudence and the byzantine nature of environmental law, nor by the fact that the natural world holds no rights at all in our human system of law.
Degradation is inevitable in these circumstances, and we now stagger under both the weight of the laws meant to stop it and the consequences of past decisions.
I believe is possible to have a both strong economy and environmental stewardship, and I have come to believe that while laws can only slow destruction, they are not well-suited to renewal and restoration.
Renewal can only come through people who care about their home enough to invest their time, talent and treasure and through responsible entrepreneurs who create an economy of which we can all be proud. (We could also use some outside funding from federal and state governments, who permitted economic interests areas outside our region to exploit the resources of our county for generations.)
Imagine working together to renew, restore and reimagine what it means to be alive at this time and in this place.
To achieve such an ambitious dream, we must start with the things to which we agree and then seek common ground on the things that we don’t.
We agree:
- that good local food is not only nutritious and healthy, but good for our economy;
- that our homes and communities must be protected from wildfire;
- that buying from local businesses, keeping resources here in our community serves us all;
- that investment and jobs that bring resources to our economy without exploiting the people or environment benefit everyone;
- that a healthy Lake and watershed is vital to our economy and the well-being of our citizenry.
Here is one example of seeking common ground: we came within 4 percent of passing Measure E – a local tax measure that would invest in the long term health of Clear Lake. Sixty two percent of the voting public wasn’t enough to adopt this measure. Those who voted against it wanted a better long term plan.
So as leaders, it is our job to come up with a better long term plan and then try again. The next election cycle is in 2014. Hopefully, anyone who cares about Clear Lake will work to pass a successor to Measure E and it will be one that we can all support.
It is my intention to once again personally campaign for the successor to Measure E during that time. I believe it is vital to turning around our economy and our environmental future.
The year 2014 is also the year that I would be seeking a third term in office if I chose to do so. Those who know me know that I had never intended to become a career politician.
After much thought I realize that I need to make an announcement at this time to give others time to plan. I have decided that I will not be seeking reelection in 2014 for the new term of office that begins in 2015.
It is my hope that thoughtful, engaged and energetic people will discern whether they are called to step into the role of District 3 supervisor and choose to run for office in the coming election cycle. I hope that the best people choose to run and the voting public encourages leaders to step forward.
While the work of creating a vital local community is not over, I feel that I have done what I came to do in local government – change the conversation and introduce a new approach, engage and encourage citizen leaders, and work to “plug the economic leaks” in our economy, starting with energy use.
I’m proud that this board has adopted a general plan of land use, preserved Mt. Konocti for future generations, invested in 3.2 megawatts of solar energy and hundreds of kilowatts in energy efficiency, brought higher education to our community and kept a balanced county budget during the most difficult economy in our lifetime.
I will never stop working on my vision and dream for our community (you can access this vision at http://www.deniserushing.net/vision ). Beginning in 2015, it is my intention to serve the community by doing what I do best – creating jobs as an entrepreneur and helping local entrepreneurs create and grow environmentally and socially responsible businesses.
I will continue to work hard in my remaining term of office for the citizens of Lake County and intend to focus my remaining time in office on the economy, the lake and associated environmental issues, and the business of managing county government through lean economic times.
…The wide universe is the ocean I travel,
And the Earth is my blue boat home.
Denise Rushing has been empowering organizational and cultural transformation for more than 30 years as an author, environmental engineer, entrepreneur, elected official and ecological designer. She lives in Upper Lake, Calif. Visit her on the Web at www.DeniseRushing.net .
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- Written by: Denise Rushing
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